Grief
28 May 2012 Leave a Comment
in Grief
Some may find it odd to find a section on grief in a blog about positive psychology. To me, it may be the most important section. Grief is like climate, it affects everything. Emotions are like weather, they come and go. If you don’t know how to grieve, then you lose the highs of life as well. Joy and grief sit right next to each other.
One of my colleagues said to me not long ago that I have a GPS tracking device on me for clients dealing with grief. They find me, from all over the country, they find me. And when I’ve had my own grief, they’ve anonymously left books and flowers to help with healing. I thank those people now, wherever they are.
I had a male client come to me many years ago who was separated from his wife. We talked about the details of his life but we weren’t really getting anywhere. I could feel an overwhelming sense of grief from him that seemed to be very deep, far beyond the separation from his wife. I shared this and he almost collapsed to the floor, sobbing. It wasn’t his wife, but his children about whom he had spoken very little. He never spoke of this grief, never really identified it as such, but it had a choke hold on his well-being.
Unexplored grief will turn everything gray and it will not leave your side. It can turn into ‘complicated grief’ which I will define as grief that goes beyond typical stages of grief and has an element of strangeness.
My younger brother Russ died of AIDS in 1994 when he was 32 years old. He was so brilliant, a dazzling mind that had depth as well as breadth for almost any subject. A nationally ranked debater, Russ could talk his way out of any corner and make you believe anything that struck his fancy. Hysterically funny, I remember so many times gasping for air I was laughing so hard. He was the shining star in the family, the ‘smart one.’
The day he called and told me that he had HIV was a day that stopped my world. From then on, my fear was like living with an unseen axe murderer, at any moment about to strike. Back then, there were no treatment cocktails, no indomitable Magic Johnsons. If you got HIV, then AIDS, you were probably going to die-and he did after 10 years of terror and fighting to live.
The grief was everywhere, it was with me at breakfast, at my office, putting on my makeup, and every other waking behavior. I had anxiety attacks in grocery store aisles where his favorite foods resided. I was angry because I had to learn to live with grief cause I’m not the suicidal type.
And then I started doing strange things. I would drive alone weekend nights on narrow highways in Wyoming hoping a drunk driver would cross the centerline and put me out of my misery. It happened all the time to other motorists, but not to me. No such luck.
I began cleaning out his condo, not letting anyone help me. He was such a pack rat that it took me a year to meticulously go through everything. I read every tiny slip of paper just in case it contained something precious, some of them did. I was on a mission because I felt certain that when it was organized and spotless, Russ would come home. But he didn’t and I was stunned. I had done everything I knew how to do and he was still dead.
What I experienced was complicated (or unresolved) grief. I had unconscious ideas in my head surrounding his death that made no rational sense and began to destroy my weeks, months, and years. We all hear about parents or spouses who keep rooms as shrines of those they loved who have passed. I think they too unconsciously believe that person is coming back.
It took about five years before I emerged from that black grief tunnel. The first time I laughed after his death was when I apologized to Russ for some mistake I made relating to geography. I was pathetic at geography, he was an ace. When I would ask him “Where is…” he would stare at me in horror because of my geographical cluelessness. Those were good times. So now when I ask someone “Where is…” I look to the sky and say, “Sorry Russ,” and I smile.
I have no soothing therapeutic words of wisdom to heal profound grief. But I do know that you must get it out in the open. Talk to someone you love, or with someone you trust. I have had clients whose children were murdered, whose spouses killed to hide secrets, and those who grieved for never having a childhood because it was decimated with relentless abuse. For those courageous enough to enter my office, I just sat with them and listened to their stories, and we both cried.
So grieve in your own way, but do not let it sit too close to you, for too long…
Impediments to Happiness
21 May 2012 2 Comments
in Happiness, Positive Psychology Tags: Happiness
In 25 years of private practice, I’ve seen many unhappy people. Some have very understandable reasons for being unhappy, such as poor health. But oddly enough, those are not the people who are the most miserable. The unhappiest people are those who create their own hell and continually feed their misery. These are some of the most common thoughts and behaviors that contribute to being unhappy.
1. Expecting to be happy ALL THE TIME or expecting to be as happy as your friends. Life has an ebb and flow, there are going to be months and maybe even years that are a struggle. Cherish the good times and have faith that the bad times will pass too.
2. Spending wayyyy too much time trying to figure out other people. This is a big one. My clients and also some of my friends are surprised that I rarely analyze the behavior of others. It’s usually a waste of time. Unless you are a criminal profiler, it’s not worth your time either. People do what they do cause they want to, because it’s how they have behaved in the past and probably how they will behave in the future. Don’t take it personally, because it’s probably not about you anyway.
3. Getting even. People who fantasize and try to figure out how to get even are almost certain to be miserable. Confucius said it best. “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves.” Enough said.
4. Spending too much time thinking about yourself. This can really make you miserable because you’re bound to come up with something that you don’t like about yourself and your life. People who think about themselves generally talk about themselves a lot, which is very tedious if you are the listener. Self absorbed people wear out their welcome rapidly. It may sound obvious, but volunteer work is healthy for you and the community and gives you something to think about other than yourself.
5. Playing it safe. Take some risks, even if you are a conservative person. Expand your comfort zone a little bit all the time. At the very least, do something different than you’ve done before. Continual mental stimulation is an antidote to depression and may even help prevent Alzheimer’s.
Say YES!
02 Mar 2012 Leave a Comment
People say No too much-to their families, friends, and most importantly, to themselves. No, you can’t do this. No, I can’t do that. And No, that will never happen even if I try.
One of my friends and mentors, the luxury real estate artist/developer, Frank McKinney, said he makes a conscious effort to say YES to his daughter even when his first thought is No. He said one way people can improve their lives is just say YES because opportunities will flow from that one word of affirmation. As Frank succinctly states, “Say YES more than No!”
Google him and look at Frank’s life story. He was a high school dropout working as a tennis instructor and also raked golf course sand traps. Frank is now one of the most successful real estate developers in the world-and he builds on spec! To an outsider, (and to me on occasion), he appears to be a fearless, whirling dervish. He isn’t. But Frank says YES a lot to people and especially his own ideas, and then somehow makes it all work.
Frank recently completed a cross country journey in a bus in an all-out effort to support the impoverished, homeless, and hopeless. He called it the “Survival to Thrival Tour.” Frank stopped at soup kitchens, shared his stories and struggles, and gave food cards to anyone who needed a little help and showed up to listen to his inspirational speeches. (Showing up is a form of YES). Frank also exchanged places with some of the homeless. He slept where they did (outside) and they slept on his luxurious bus. How many people would say YES to that concept? Frank did.
His non-profit Caring House Project Foundation has built homes for hundreds, if not thousands, of homeless and impoverished residents in Third World countries. Haiti has been a major focus for Frank. He said YES I will build homes in places most people would avoid. His reward is in the shining eyes of the children who now have a place to call home.
Don’t misunderstand the wisdom in this one word. I’m not suggesting that you stretch yourself too thin and say yes to everyone who asks you for something. That is not a yes of affirmation, that’s a yes because you are not asserting yourself and honoring your needs. I am suggesting that if you have dreams, passions, and ideas that have been rumbling around in your head for a while, get them out in the open and set them free. Say YES and watch what happens…
Happiness Advantage for Business
01 Mar 2012 Leave a Comment
in Happiness
Business execs, small business owners, and anyone who has employees is always looking for an “edge.” They look for ways to increase visibility, maximize profits, and decrease overhead. One very successful boutique hotel group states in their corporate promotional materials that they “hire the happiest employees we can find.” This is a simple yet profound statement. Companies can search for happy employees or they can create a climate for them to thrive within the company.
Businesses who have happy employees have an huge edge over those companies whose employees are languishing, or worse yet, resentful. Happy employees enjoy going to work, have fewer sick days, work longer and more efficiently, and are the best advertising you can buy.
I want to return to a business where the employees are happy and smiling-it feels good. Recently, I stayed at a luxury resort on Kauai, Hawaii. I asked the happy bellman how he liked working for this company. (Snoopy psychologists always ask these sorts of questions.) “I love it! It’s the best job I’ve ever had.” Without prompting, he went on to say that the desk managers are always nice to the employees and really seem to care about how they feel. He also said he receives full-time benefits for part-time work.
Not every small business can afford to pay part-time employees full benefits, but they certainly can pay attention to whether or not their employees are happy. It was very significant that the happy bellman’s first response to my question related to how he was treated, not the full benefits he received. His emotional well-being trumped monetary compensation. I suspect it will almost every time. Happy employees set the stage for the business to thrive. And that is the Happiness Advantage for business!
Personal Transformation Can Begin in Your Closets
04 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
Yes, resolutions can be helpful, particularly those that are more general than specific, but it takes time to see results. Cleaning out closets, garages, etc. can be done in hours and signifies more than you might suspect. I have learned to pay attention to my clients’ cleaning rituals and have found that very often they begin to clean and organize when they are about to make an important internal shift. It’s as if they are moving out the external clutter to make room for the internal cleansing.
Even if you don’t feel as though you are about to make a seismic internal shift, you can certainly set the wheels in motion by getting rid of all that stuff that no longer serves you, appeals to your sense of aesthetics, or that reminds you of something you would rather forget. Donate to friends or charities, sell, it doesn’t matter, but just begin the process of simplifying your life by cleaning out your personal space. Find a new home for what you no longer need or use.
Once you have cleaned out your spaces and places, DON’T fill them back up with new purchases. Downsize your appetite for stuff. Too much stuff is stressful. You have to store, clean, insure, polish, repair, and move your stuff from place to place. One insightful author said our homes have become landfills of too much stuff. All it takes is a major life upheaval to realize how much of it you really need. One unplanned stay in the hospital quickly lets you know what matters and what doesn’t-and it’s very little.
I remember being quite content when all my possessions fit easily into my car. Granted, it was a big American car, (one friend named it the USS Kittyhawk) but you get the idea. For almost four years, I lived in a studio apartment of 350 square feet and I was perfectly happy with my little space and minimal stuff. I couldn’t do that now, or maybe I don’t want to do that now. But I do know that it feels good to see empty space in my home and on my walls, and in my closets.
I challenge you to free up empty space in your homes, space where nothing resides, and I mean nothing. No plants, pictures, stools-nothing. Sounds easy, but it isn’t. I will try if you will…
Kindness
19 Dec 2011 Leave a Comment
in Kindness
Kindness can do more for the giver and the receiver than any interpersonal gesture I know. How often have you extended yourself with a small act of kindness or even a larger gesture? All too often, people rant and rave at other drivers, people who cut in front of us in line, or those who are simply insensitive to our needs. We can be arrogant and unforgiving of people’s mistakes and the fact that they are not moving fast enough for us.
Forget about how the other person is responding to you, graciousness begins at home. Allow other drivers to move into your lane, let people cross the street in front of your car while you wait, let others go in front of you at the grocery store. It only takes seconds to compliment people who are doing a good job. Think of how you can make someone’s life a teeny bit better. We all can use more kindness in our lives. We could all live by the words of the quintessential preacher, Joel Osteen, who encourages us to be generous with our mercy, instead of being quick to judge.
My favorite poem on kindness is by Naomi Shihab Nye, taken from the book, “Words Under the Words.” Nye writes that we never know how important kindness is until we feel the desolation of a deep loss, then kindness is about the only thing that really matters…
I hope you enjoy this exquisite poem as much as I do.
KINDNESS
Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.
Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and
purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
It is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.
Secret Santa
15 Dec 2011 Leave a Comment
In Missoula, Montana, someone walked into a K-Mart store and paid off layaway for everyone who was late with their payments! It was done anonymously. Many of these families might not have had Christmas if it wasn’t for this Secret Santa.
Philanthropy without accolades, without need for acknowledgment, is true altruism. But there are huge benefits for the giver. A sense of community, empathy for others less fortunate, and generosity are all known to be reliable predictors of longevity. It seems that people who extend themselves to others are more connected and happier, therefore they may live longer.
Welcome to PsychRejuvenation!
15 Dec 2011 Leave a Comment
in Gratitude
Hello and welcome to my Positive Psychology blog! I am a clinical and consulting psychologist who focuses on Positive Psychology. I focus on what you are doing right, instead of what you are doing wrong. I will be posting insights that might make your life a little bit happier and healthier. I encourage and welcome all of your comments and insights. We are on this journey together…
My first thought for you is to be grateful for something or someone. If possible, speak your gratitude. Tell someone you how much you appreciate what he/she has done for you. It could be a parent, mate, friend, trainer, vet-you get the idea. Then pay attention to how you feel once you have expressed that gratitude.
